Uh Oh, Boredom!
by drowsyfantasy
Summary: What happens when a certain fledgling vampire gets bored?
1. Integra!

AN: I do not own Hellsing nor any of the characters therein. Some of my ideas imply light OOC. What happens when Seras Victoria gets bored? She doesn't know what to do, so she goes around asking others what they do when they get bored…my attempt at humour in an otherwise very dark story. Enjoy. 

*****

There was boring, and then there was _boring_. 

This was _boring_.

Ex-police officer Seras Victoria, or "Police Girl" to Alucard, was lying in her four-poster scratching the lacquer off of the inside her coffin. She was just disinterested in _everything _right now. Letting her mind wander, she paused in her pickings to sit up and promptly hit her head on the lid.

"Oww!" 

Rubbing her now-sore forehead, she opened the lid and stepped out. The room was slightly chilly but otherwise hospitable. Grabbing a sheet of paper from a small pile, she began to make a list of things to do at these most boring of times. Frowning, she realised she couldn't think of anything on her own.

__

On her own. Brilliant.

*****

Sir Integra Wingates Fairbrook Hellsing was sitting at her desk smoking one of her cigars and leafing through paperwork. She was going to give herself the mother of all paper cuts one day doing this.

"Good evening, Sir!" chirped a very enthusiastic, bubbly voice. Integra nearly fell backwards.

"Officer Victoria?"

"Yes, Sir, it's me. I was wondering…what do you do when you're bored?"

"Pardon me?"

"I was wondering…Sir…what do you do when you're bored?"

Integra blinked, then adjusted her glasses. 

"I…usually just do my work. My desk work," here she gestured to the papers lying all around, "usually prevents me from doing much else."

"Oh, but if you had much more free time…like me…what would you do?"

"I suppose I would probably…" Integra thought hard. Visions of fancy spas involving a lot of relaxation filled her head. "Relax."

Seras pouted. "That I have no trouble with. I do too much of that."

Integra looked at her over the rims of her glasses.

"If you're bored, Officer Victoria, I can give you something to do…"

"Yes, Sir?" she asked, hopeful for something interesting to do.

"You can help me file this paperwork."

Seras let out a sigh, but nodded and picked up a stack of forms…in _triplicate_…

This was going to be even _worse_…

*****

Review please!

Next victim of Seras' boredness…er, _chapter_: Alucard!


	2. Alucard!

AN: I do not own Hellsing nor any of the characters therein. Some of my ideas imply light OOC. What happens when Seras Victoria gets bored? She doesn't know what to do, so she goes around asking others what they do when they get bored…my attempt at humour in an otherwise very dark story. Enjoy. 

*****

Seras Victoria groaned. 

It was a few evenings after the sorting-papers incident. Clearly she wasn't up for office work, because Sir Integra often had to fix her piles. 

__

"No, not there! Over here…"

"Yes, Sir."

"NO!!! I said OVER HERE!!!"

Unfortunately, she was again, bored. Not wanting to repeat her previous mistake, she decided to chose a safer route: someone more like her. _Alucard_.

*****

He was using several pictures as target practise on the long-distance shooting range.

Alexander Anderson. _Bang! _Gone.

Enrico Maxwell. _Bang! _Gone.

Integra Hellsing.

"Master! Why are you shooting at Sir Integra?!"

No bang. 

"Police Girl? What are you doing out here?" he asked. "Came to practise? 'Cause you _really _need to…"

She shook her head. "No, Master, I came to find you."

"You've found me. Now if you'll excuse me…" he turned again to fire at the picture.

"NO! I mean, I wanted to talk to you!"

"Oh." he turned and looked at her. "What about?"

"Master, what do you do when you get bored?"  
"What?"  
"When you're bored. What do you do?"

Alucard thought a bit. Visions of bloody shoot-outs and fights filled his head and he grinned evilly. Not knowing what he was thinking about, Seras grinned too, trying to encourage him to speak. 

"I would be off fighting as many battles as I could fight." he crowed. "If given the occasion, I would definitely find a way to end that boredom _fast_."

He looked at Seras. She was making a face. "Why?"

"Because, Master, I'm (_she obviously hadn't learned yet_) bored."

Alucard's grin widened to one which you might see on an addict just been given a new dosage. 

"Then you can help me with target practise!"

Seras grinned warily. "Uh, all right…"

He trained his gun on her. "Moving targets are always more authentic."

"WHAT???? NOOOOO, MASTER, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

*****

Next chapter: Walter!


	3. Walter!

AN: I do not own Hellsing nor any of the characters therein. Some of my ideas imply _heavy _OOC. What happens when Seras Victoria gets bored? She doesn't know what to do, so she goes around asking others what they do when they get bored…my attempt at humour in an otherwise very dark story. Enjoy. 

*****

Ex-police officer Seras Victoria sighed. 

Two weeks after her Master had gone berserk and used her for target practise she was hit by yet another boredom spell. 

It simply wasn't fair. She had only been a vampire for a few months, she couldn't be bored with eternity yet! After all, she wasn't even _old _yet…

OLD!! That was it!

*****

Walter was sitting at his desk looking at some files. Sir Integra had sent them down hours ago, with orders to find some information on a new vampire whom they were watching very carefully to see if it was a threat. 

Turning a page he spotted the door opening out of the corner of his eye. 

__

Probably Sir Integra, he thought and tried to look like he was busy.

"Excuse me?" the voice did not belong to said Hellsing leader. Walter met the crimson eyes of the Hellsing organisation's new recruit. 

"Good evening, Miss Victoria, what can I do for you?" he paused, gesturing to the papers around him. "I am quite busy, but I am sure that if I can help you, I will."

"Well, busy is actually my problem."  
"Hmmm?" 

"I'm not."

"Miss Victoria?"

"I'm bored, sir. I can't think of anything to do."

"Interesting predicament."

"What do you do?"

"Pardon me?"  
"What would you do if you were bored?"

"Well, I…" Walter considered. Visions of him lying on a beach with several bikini-clad women, all vaguely resembling Sir Integra and Seras Victoria in one way or another, filled his head.

"I…suppose I would be just…reading." he finished weakly.

"Oh." she sagged visibly.

"I'm not a very…interesting person…" he tried to explain, flushing slightly.

"Well, I suppose it can't be helped…" Seras Victoria looked sad.

"Well, m'dear, why don't you help me with this?" he held up the folder.

"Uh, no thank you. I'm not really very good at dealing with paperwork…" she left the room, feeling slightly ill.

__

Having the ability to see others' thoughts is definitely not _as nice as it's supposed to be… _she thought to herself.

*****

Next chapter: _Interlude: Sale at the Midnight Mall!_


	4. Interlude: The Midnight Mall!

AN: I do not own Hellsing nor any of the characters therein. Some of my ideas imply _heavy _OOC. What happens when Seras Victoria gets bored? She doesn't know what to do, so she goes around asking others what they do when they get bored…my attempt at humour in an otherwise very dark story. Enjoy. 

*****

"OOOOOOOH!" squealed ex-police officer Seras Victoria.

"What is it?" asked Walter, who just happened to be passing the room the moment he heard her.

"There's a sale on at the Midnight Mall!"

Walter raised an eyebrow.

"You know, that new mall that just opened last week? It's only open at night…" as she gushed on and on, Walter became more and more confused.

__

It's like she's some kind of preppy valley girl…

But the whole "only open at night" sounded warning bells in his head.

*****

"And so, Sir, that's why I propose we send Alucard to see what's there." Walter said.

"Well, it's not that bad of an idea. Why don't we send Seras with him, I'm sure she would benefit from the experience." Sir Integra said.

"Of course, Sir."

*****

"Get ready, Police Girl, we're going to the…" Alucard grimaced. "Midnight Mall. New orders from Walter and Master."

"Yay! Master this is going to be so much fun!" Seras grinned maniacally. 

Alucard winced. This was _not _going to be fun.

*****

"Master, look at me!" Seras was trying on a red dress that matched her new vampire eyes.

__

I'm not going to look at her. he thought, looking around at the other patrons. _They _all seemed normal…

"Look at _me_!" she whined again.

__

I'm not going to look at her. All the people had normal coloured eyes and were reflecting in mirrors. Plus -- no fangs. 

"Look -- at -- _ME!!!!_"

__

I'm not --

He was about to give up when he noticed a small door leading out of the store. It had no distinguishing marks and he would have not noticed it had it not been for the small red light just above it.

Turning to Seras, he started. She did indeed look very nice.

"So, what do you think?" she asked proudly.

"You look very nice. Are you happy?"

"Yes, I'm very happy!"

"Get out of that dress. We've got work to do."

She pouted. "But --"

"NOW, Police Girl!"

Sighing, she went back to the change rooms.

*****

__

This is certainly a mysterious place, thought Alucard as he wandered through the long, dark corridors under the mall. Seras followed just at his heels. She was slightly afraid of this place, so she kept very close.

__

This is the real _reason it's open only at night_. Stores for vampires. The stores looked normal enough, just some clothing stores and designer shoe places, but the patrons were all vampires. 

__

This can't be as innocent as it looks, thought Alucard again. But there wasn't much he could do, considering the fact that there were hundreds of humans just above them. There was no way in Hell that his Master would allow him to rampage and destroy all of this. They'd just have to keep a close eye on the place until further notice…

And speaking of _notice_…

Seras had wandered into a clothing store. Alucard followed at a bit of a distance. He wanted to observe, to see what would happen.

"Oh, _dahlink, _what _ahh _you thinking with _thaht _outfit?" one of the store workers gushed. "_Thaht_ military look went out _sehw _long _agehw_. You _pohr _dear. Let me help you out." The lady grabbed her arm and dragged her across the store to a colour rack. Pulling out several blues and greens, she held them up at arm's length and squinted at the confused Seras.   
"Uh, this look went out?" she asked, with confusion in her voice.

"Oh, _dahlink_, nearly fifty _yeahrs _ago. But we'll find you something nice, won't we?" she soothed, finally settling on a light blue.

"Now, dearie, tell me. _Wahs _this your old colour?"  
"What?"

"Oh, you must be a new _wohn_. Old colour means eye colour."  
"Oh, then, yes, it was."

"I _cahn _tell. It goes so well with _thaht _hair of _youhrs_…"

*****

Meanwhile, Alucard was trying _very _hard not to laugh at her predicament. This place seemed pretty clean and tidy.

Walking over to a rack of hats, he sorted through them.   
"No, no, NOOOO!" there was a bloodcurdling scream from behind him. He whirled around and whipped out his Jackal. But there was just a very frightened-looking female shopkeeper vampire right behind him.

"Absolutely not! That outfit has simply got to go!" and before he could react, Alucard was yanked so hard that his hat went flying off. 

"Hey!" he protested. But there was no stopping this one…

*****

"Master! You look hilarious!" Seras giggled. They were back at the Hellsing mansion.

"Well, Alucard, how did it g--" Sir Integra choked. Then she began to laugh so hard tears fell down her cheeks. 

"It's not funny!" growled the vampire. This, of course, only made her laugh harder.

"I c-can't h-help it!" she stuttered out. "You l-look so f-funny!"

Which was, sadly, true. The lady had dressed him in an outfit clearly meant for someone going to a rock concert. He didn't know what happened to his hat or overcoat -- he couldn't find them anywhere.

"Well," he growled, "the mall itself is clean. Underground there's a mini-mall made for vampires. But just clothing and shoe stores. No other things, and just simple-looking vampires milling about. Right now it looks pretty harmless. But we should keep an eye on things. It is right underneath the human place."

"Right." Sir Integra managed, wiping away her tears of mirth. "Will do. But now, please excuse me. I think I'm going to collapse." she walked away, still snickering.

"You know, Master…"

"What?" he rounded on Seras, fury written in every part of his face. "This is all your fault, you know!!"

His fury had no effect on her. "You know, you're going to have to go back there if you ever want your clothes back…" she ran, howling with laughter.

"GET BACK HERE, POLICE GIRL!" he screamed, giving chase to his arrogant fledgling. "YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!!!"

*****

Next chapter: _A visit to Iscariot!_


	5. Maxwell!

AN: I do not own Hellsing nor any of the characters therein. I do not own MSN messenger. 

Seras Victoria was looking over the clothing she had purchased from the store at the Midnight Mall. She had had to go back and demand her Master's clothing. Funny, the store seemed reluctant to return it. 

She put them down and walked up to Sir Integra's room. Meaning to ask her when she could go back, maybe on another 'mission', she opened the door. 

The room was empty. But a computer stood open on the desk. A laptop.

Curious, Seras wandered over. Turning around the screen, she noticed that it was logged on to the internet. Sitting down, she thought she'd check up on the news. 

A bubble popped up:

YellowRosesEnrico says: hi u skanky protestant b!

Seras started. Then she realised. It was Enrico Maxwell from Iscariot! She muffled a giggle. Evidently Sir Integra had logged in to MSN. This was her chance to find out more about the suspected romance! But no, she had to be neutral. 

"Hmm. Maybe I can find out…" she began to type. She laughed when she saw what Sir Integra's name was.

****

Wheresmycigar says: and u, u arrogant jerk

****

YellowRosesEnrico says: ooh, is that all u have to say? 

****

Wheresmycigar says: im really bored

****

YellowRosesEnrico says: huh?

****

Wheresmycigar says: what do u do when ur bored?

****

YellowRosesEnrico says: y r u asking me?

****

Wheresmycigar says: just tell me u jerk or ill sick Alucard on u

There was a pause.

****

YellowRosesEnrico says: calm down ill tell u what i do when im bored. can u keep a secret?

****

Wheresmycigar says: sure i can

****

YellowRosesEnrico says: i look at the latest internet porn site updates

Seras jumped. She shuddered. 

"Eeeeeeeeewwww…"

****

Wheresmycigar says: ur sick

****

YellowRosesEnrico says: dont u dare tell nyone!

****

Wheresmycigar says: ttyl

****

YellowRosesEnrico says: fine

Seras logged off, feeling slightly ill. That definitely wasn't something she wanted to do if she was bored! 

Hearing footsteps, she ran out of Sir Integra's office and down to her room.

Sir Integra stared at her 'history' of MSN messenger lines.

"Who's been messing with my computer?? And why were they talking with that Vatican dog about being bor-- SERAS VICTORIA!!!!!"

Next: Alexander Anderson! 


	6. Paladin Anderson!

AN: I own nothing. 'Nuff said.

Busy polishing his bayonets sat Paladin Alexander Anderson. Alone in his small room, he soon came to the realisation that since he was fourth-dimensional, trying to polish all of his bayonets would be pointless. He set the newest ones down on the table. Along with the other six thousand. He sighed, and picked up the phone. Intending to order a pizza, he put his finger on the button…unfortunately, he didn't dial the correct number.

"Hello?"

"Yes, is this Charlie's Pizza Place?"

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, I'd like to order a large cheese pizza with mushrooms and --"

"No, sir, I don't think you understand…this isn't Charlie's Pizza Place."

"Then to whom am I speaking?"

"Webster and Martin's Funeral Home, I'm afraid."

"Oh, uh, sorry then."

He hung up. The phone immediately rang again. He peered at it curiously.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Is this Father Alexander Anderson?"

"Yes, who are you?" he paused. "I think I recognise your voice. Do I perhaps know you?"  
"Uh, no!" came the anxious squeal of a reply. "No, you don't. I need to talk to a priest."

"Then you have called the right number. Speak, my child, and tell me your problems." he said, switching into priest-mode.

"It's hard to explain…" the voice paused. Anderson thought. It sounded female, but he wasn't sure if he had indeed heard it before.

"You see, I'm bored. And I was beginning to have rather…impure…thoughts because of it. What can I do when I'm bored to prevent myself from doing such sinful things?"  
"Well, that depends on what kind of things you can do."

"What do you do when you're bored?"  
"Pardon me?"

"But what do you do when you're bored?"

Anderson thought. Endless hours of polishing bayonets filled his head. He flinched. Then he considered.

"My child, I would advise you to do as I do: take the time to really go over the messages of God, and consider how you might benefit the world by helping spread His in your community."

"Uh, thank you." said the voice. "I'll certainly try."

"God bless you, child." said Anderson.

Sighing, ex-police officer Seras Victoria hung up the phone. So much for _that _idea.

Next: The Devil in Miss Yumiko!


	7. Yumiko!

AN: Characters OOC. Warning: FLUFF!! I own **_nothing_**. 'Nuff said.

It was the middle of a Tuesday evening, not yet eleven p.m. And all ex-police officer Seras Victoria could think was, "Oh, no, not again."

For yes, dear reader, she was bored again. And after a disastrous attempt to preach the Good Word to groups of random people1 she found her public speaking skills to be less-than-adequate. Or that could have just been the fact that she blazed in out of nowhere with bright red eyes and fangs.

Eh, whatever.

She found herself wandering the streets. She had no idea where she was. However an interesting thing turned up…it was a pair of women arguing. Seras tilted her head. One was blonde, and appeared to be in disgust with the smaller, black-haired woman. The one being yelled at was quivering and wearing a huge pair of thick glasses. Seras moved in closer.

"…and _vere _are _ve _now, you idiot?! _Ve're _in London! _Zat _ist _ze _absolute last time I ever let you read _zat _map for me!"

Seras paused. The smaller one responded.

"Heinkel, it's not my fault, I was just holding it upside-down…"

"You stupid little brat!" she appeared to come down out of her rage. "_Vell_, _ve _can't sleep in _ze _streets. Let's go to see if _ve _can find a hotel."

"And hope Iscariot will reimburse us…" said the smaller one.

__

Iscariot. Seras blinked. Before she knew what she was doing, she was running towards them.

"Hey, hey you there! Ladies!" they turned to see her. The smaller one gasped.

"A vampire! Eeeeek!"

"Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you…" Seras trailed off helplessly, coming to a halt about two meters away.

"_Ja, ja, zat's vat zey _all say." said Heinkel. "Yumiko. Let out Yumie."

Yumiko paled. "Oh, no, not her…please…"

Seras held up her hands. "I'm unarmed, I don't want to hurt you. I overheard that you were lost and looking for a place to stay…I know a decent hotel not too far from here. I'll pay for it, too2."

Both Heinkel and Yumiko stared at her. Then Yumiko smiled shyly.

"Uh, thank you?"

"You're welcome. It's this way." she gestured to the right. Turning and walking down the street, she led them to the hotel.

Heinkel was suspicious but at least she looked relieved when Seras handed them a pair of keys to their rooms.

"You're down that hallway." she pointed to the left. "And breakfast is free, served at seven to eight in the morning. You should check out by nine." Seras gestured to the desk.

Heinkel nodded and stomped off to her room. Yumiko, however, stayed in the front hallway. She followed Seras into the lounge where they sat down on a pair of opposite chairs.

Yumiko signalled for some coffee. As she cooled it down, Seras blinked.   
"Aren't you tired?"  
Yumiko shook her head. "Heinkel would probably yell at me for hours. Besides, I'm not tired." she smiled. "So, I'm guessing you're not a renegade."

"I work for the Hellsing organization."

"Ah." Yumiko said. "You know we're from Iscariot."

"Doesn't matter really. We're both basically working towards the same thing. A world that doesn't need either one."

Yumiko grinned. "I guess you're right."

"I'm really bored."

"Huh?"

"I said, I'm really bored. Hey," she crooked her head. "What do you do when you're bored?"

"Me?" asked Yumiko shyly as she sipped her coffee. "I…" she paused. Visions of jumping up and down on a gigantic feather bed, throwing pillows and laughing filled her head. She blushed and smiled.

Seras laughed. "I can read minds, you know."

Yumiko blushed harder. "Uh…"

"Oh don't worry, I just caught that image. I used to love jumping up and down on my parent's bed to wake them up in the morning." Seras smiled sadly. "I never…I don't think I'll ever jump on a bed again."

Yumiko smiled widely. Pulling the vampire's arm, she yanked her out of the common room.

"Yay! This is so much fun!"

Laughter. The room was filled with it. The huge bed was eiderdown, and the pillows were currently being used as weapons in a fight to the finish.

Finally, exhausted, Yumiko collapsed onto the bed and began to snore. Seras laughed and went over to the small couch that was at the side. Lying down, she decided to take a _quick nap_…

__

Yeah, sure. A quick nap_…_

1See chapter six!

2Not OOC, Seras is just that nice! -

Next: Heinkel the Amazoness!


	8. Heinkel the Amazoness!

AN: Characters often OOC. I own **_nothing_**. 'Nuff said.

Seras was wakened by a voice, speaking in an annoyingly high-pitched German accent…

"Ring! Ring!"

She suddenly found herself facing down a large gun, held by none other then Wolfe Heinkel. Her expression was that of what you might see on amphetamine addicts.

"Hello, sleepyhead. It's _fife _a.m. already. If you don't _vake _up, it's gonna be magnum .44 time. _Bang! _Oww! _Zat's _gonna hurt! Brains flying _everyvere_. _Beep! Beep beep! _Time's up! Countdown's on!"

The voice suddenly became that of the Terminator's.

"_Fife_. Four. _Szree_. Two…**1**"

Seras Victoria snapped to attention.

"I'm up! I'm up! Don't shoot me!! Shooting stings!" Seras cringed under the gaze of Heinkel. Shrugging, the taller one put away her gun.

"Now _zat _I _haf _your attention, _vould _you please go back to Hellsing? I'm sure Yumiko doesn't _vant _to _vake _up as Yumie and kill you for sneaking into her room."

"No, no!" Seras shook her head frantically. "I didn't sneak in! Yumiko invited me in! I wouldn't come in here otherwise."

"She's telling the truth." said a shy voice from the bed. Yumiko had woken up because of the loud noises.

"I let her in. We were…reminiscing about jumping on our parents' beds."

"So _zat's vy zat bett ist zo _messy." Heinkel mused. "You really _vere _jumping on it?"

"Yes." Seras nodded. "I will leave - I've gotta get back before dawn. But before I do, one question."  
"Ask."

"What do you do when you're bored?"  
"_Vat_?"  
"What do you do when you're bored?"

"Yes, I wanna know too!" squealed Yumiko, sitting up in bed.

Heinkel shrugged. Visions of herself surrounded by boxes upon empty boxes of expensive German chocolates filled her head.

"I like chocolates," she offered. "Lots of chocolates."

Seras' eyes widened. "I used to really like chocolates."

Yumiko giggled. "Hee-hee! I know your soft spot!"

Heinkel growled deep in her throat, like a dog. Yumiko giggled again, nervously before clearing her throat and looking away. But still quite amused.

"Well, I'll be going now." Seras stood up to go.

"Bye _zen_." shrugged Heinkel. Yumiko leapt off the bed and hugged the surprised vampire.

"Gee…" Seras blushed, hugging back. "Bye!"

****

1 All of Heinkel's speech was taken from volume 5 of Maki Murakami's "Gravitation". I don't own that either. Read the disclaimer.

****

Please R&R to tell me if I should do more, 'cos I'm running out of characters…


	9. Pip!

__

AN: Muahahahaha! I'm back! Thank you to all those who reviewed and told me to get off my lazy butt and start working again, this one is for you guys. Yeah. You know who you are. It's also for all the Seras/Pip (Manga) fans out there. I own nothing. Characters OOC. Enjoy.

Captain Pip Bernadette of the Wild Geese sure did look adorable when he was asleep.

Ex-police officer Seras Victoria giggled as she heard him snore. She was bored. Again. But watching the long-haired, scruffy-looking Australian mercenary sleep was somehow both relaxing and interesting. He was snoozing on a long couch.

Wait! Was he saying something in his sleep? Seras leaned over to try and hear. Unfortunately, she tripped and knocked over several large, metal knives and such on the floor. With a loud _crash_, she landed right on him, just as he snapped awake.

There was a pause. A very _short _pause. Then, a loud, mutual scream from both Pip and Seras filled the small room.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

They sprang apart like the other was on fire. Seras bounced back to the other side of the couch. Pip sat up, breathing hard.

"Trying to kill me in my sleep, are ya?" he growled angrily, fumbling for a weapon. "I'll wipe that stupid grin off yar face!" he looked around. Seras held up his gun.

"Um, is this what you're looking for?" she asked curiously. Pip's eye twitched and he grunted.

"Give it here."

"No way."

"I said, give it here!"

"And I said, no way. You'll just shoot me. Shooting stings! I don't like to get shot."

Pip raised his eyebrows and looked at her through squinty eyes.

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Give me back my gun."

"Uh-uhn. Hmmm…" she thought. "What d'you do when you're bored?" she chirped.

"What?" Pip sweatdropped.

"I said, what do you do when you're bored?"

Pip just looked at her. She looked back and shrugged.

"Well, I…" he thought hard. Visions of him as Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter filled his head. He imagined himself wrestling crocs and picking up dangerous spiders and the like. He grinned sheepishly.

"D'you know who Steve Irwin is?"

Seras shook her head no.

"Ah, well. You wouldn't get it then." he shrugged. "_Now _can I have my gun back?"

She tossed it to him. "Here you go."

He holstered it. "Thanks, mate. Now, go. I want to be able to sleep in peace."

She nodded. "Okay."

He watched her leave and smirked as he pulled his hat down over his eyes.

__

Nice, he thought. _Real nice_.

__

Next: Back from the dead, they're the Valentine Brothers!


	10. Welcome to Hell: The Valentine Bros!

AN: Oooh! 25 reviews! squeals I'm _sooooo _happy! All you people who reviewed are the best! About the characters in this fic: yeah, I _know _they're dead, but who cares? I own nothing. Characters OOC. Enjoy.

Ex-police officer Seras Victoria sighed. To her utmost disappointment, the Midnight Mall had to be taken down. And she and Alucard were the ones ordered to do it.

A few days ago they had discovered the vampires who used the stores underneath were smuggling live humans -- food -- out of the above stores and sending them away to other countries.

And it had to stop.

And so, they were on their way to the Midnight Mall. Again.

"But Master…"

"Do quit whining, Police Girl. I can't stand it."

"I still don't wanna blow up the mall…it's the only one I can go to…"

"Police Girl, what about the humans?"

"Oh yeah…" she was sweet, but not the brightest.

They made their way into the mall. Alucard went full-out, doing the whole "huge black mass of things" look and Seras ran to the announcement booth.

"Um, excuse me." she began. The people inside took one look at what was going on inside and fled the room. Seras shrugged and sat down. Picking up the microphone and punching the button, she spoke.

"Um, this is the police speaking. Please would everyone leave the Midnight Mall immediately. I repeat, everyone please leave the building immediately."

She didn't even have to say it. The building was evacuated before she had finished. Shrugging, she put down the microphone and joined Alucard outside, who had retaken his humanoid form and was grinning wildly.

"That's so much fun!" he crowed. "I wish the Master would let me do that more often!"

Seras winced. "Are all the bombs in place, Master?"

"Of course they are, Police Girl." The mall was quite out-of-town, so they would have no problem blowing the whole thing to kingdom come without endangering any humans.

"Stand by!" chuckled Alucard. "Three, two, one…"

Seras heard the boom and felt a huge WHOOSH! She was knocked down and hit her head.

"Huh?" she looked up blearily. "Where am I?"

The room was dark and hot. Very hot. Suddenly the lights went on!

"What the bleep are you doin' here?" said a voice. Seras' eyes took a moment to focus, then she was looking into the face of one Jan Valentine. She screamed and he jumped away, covering his ears in pain.

"Oww, will you shut the bleep up!"

Seras looked around. Hmmm…was she in a cave? And what was Jan doing here? Wasn't he dead…Oooops…

"Um, Jan Valentine?"

"That's me." he took his fingers out of his ears.

"Jan, am I dead?" she asked very seriously. He shrugged.

"You don't look like it. Bleeping stupid bleep."

"Why are you being bleeped out?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"This is bleeping Hell!" he said sadly. "It's not bleeping fair!"

She rolled her eyes. _Well_, she thought. _Maybe it's a 'near-death' experience they always talk about in movies…_

"Oh, will you shut up?" came another voice. A blonde vampire, one she hadn't seen before, came out from a turn in the cave-looking place. "You're driving me mad with your drivel…hang on, who's this?" he peered at her curiously.

"Oh, big bro! This little bleep here is one of the minions of that stupid bleep that we were supposed to wipe out before."

"She doesn't look dead. She's full of some kind of light." Luke squinted at the indeed gleaming Seras.

"I think I'm only here in my mind." said Seras cautiously. "It's one of those near-death experience things."

"Makes sense." said Jan thoughtfully, shrugging.

Seras sat down. "What's it like in here?" she asked.

"Well," said Luke. "There's no actual torture, no blinding pain or anything like that…Hell, it seems, is being confined with this little twerp who won't shut up and leave me in peace!"

"Bro, that's the point of bleeping Hell!" said Jan sarcastically. He looked at Seras again.

"So what have you been doing all this time? It must be boring down here, what do you do?" Seras asked quizzically.

"Well," Luke began, "it's not really that bad, actually. We are trapped here, but as I said before, we're each other's only company. No other demons in our little section, which is not that small. There's actually even a couple of books and chairs over there." he gestured around the corner. "Although they're all books about Hell: Dante's _Inferno_ and the like. But they're not that bad."

"Yeah, lucky for you, you bleep can read!" Jan moaned. "I can't bleeping read, so I usually just sleep all the time."

"I tried to teach you to read, but you wouldn't listen to me."

Seras giggled softly.

Luke gestured.

"There's a door over there. It's shut to us, but you might be able to go through it."

"It looks open to me." said Seras.

"Fine then." said Jan. Seras walked towards the door.

"See you in bleeping Hell!" he yelled after her.

She rolled her eyes, glad that he was dead and she was probably going home.

Or not…as the fates (AKA the authoress) had planned something else for her…

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Next Chappie: He's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! It's Incognito!


	11. Welcome to Hell 2: Incognito!

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AN: 31 reviews. **31 REVIEWS**! _You love me! You _really _love me! squeals You people are the best! Now it's Incognito's turn! I own nothing. Absolutely _nothing_. Kudos to anyone who can identify all the references I make. Characters OOC. Enjoy._

As she pushed open the door, ex-police officer Seras Victoria looked into the next room. It appeared to be empty. She walked in and closed the door behind her. As she did, she heard a soft "huff" noise coming from the other side of the room.

She bolted upright. There was a chair, facing away from her. In it sat some kind of miss-matched creature -- like Frankenstein's monster. As she walked towards it, she could see that it was tied-up Hannibal Lector style, mask and everything. Though it must have hurt because of the oddly-shaped head…

"Hello, who's this?" she asked cheerfully.

"Mmmf-mfff!" came the reply from behind the mask. It was an ugly thing, all twisty and knobbly.

"Am I still in Hell?" she asked.

"MMMMMMFFFFFF!" was the only thing it said.

A step behind her. A voice.

"Yes, you are still in Hell…we'll have to remedy that soon enough."

She whirled around. Standing behind her was a bright red demon with horns and a long tail with its arms full of paperwork. It had curly silver hair and glasses. It was wearing a sort-of flowered apron thing.

"Who are you?" asked Seras.

"Why, I'm just a minor demon. I'm the caretaker of this section of Hell. My name is Lola." it said. "That," she said again, gesturing to the Frankenstein-esque creature, "is Incognito. You wouldn't know who he is, judging by your colouring."

"Colouring?" Seras looked down. She was in shades of gray and white. "Why am I all one colour?"

"Dearie, you're from the Manga. Incognito was put into the Animé version."

She tilted her head. "What's that?"  
The demon shrugged. "Oh, never mind. Anyways, the temporal-distortion-waves won't be in proper alignment for a while, so I guess you're stuck here for a while."

"Temp-dist-what?"

"The reason you came here in the first place."

"Oh." Seras paused thoughtfully.

"Mff-MMMMFFFF!" demanded Incognito.

"Oh, do be quiet," said Lola. "You're making a fuss over nothing. He," she said, turning to Seras, "ate babies and other things. He also attempted to kill a lot of people. But now he's locked up. Essentially our Hell is just a place to deprive the wicked of what they loved to do."

"Am I going to Hell when I die?" asked Seras nervously.

"Well, dearie, I'm not sure." said the demon, adjusting her glasses. She ruffled through her papers, looking for something.

Just as she held up the sheet in triumph, ("Here it is!") Seras blacked out again.

__

Next chapter: Back on earth, Seras wanders into a chatty room about vampires…


	12. It's in a chat room?

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AN: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing_. Any references to any person, living or dead, or any other thing, is purely coincidental. Refer to comment #1 for further information. Characters OOC. Enjoy._

"Miss Victoria? Miss Victoria?"

"Hey, Police Girl!" said a loud, sarcastic voice. "Wakie, wakie!" she was roughly shaken.

"Hey!" she protested weakly. "I'm awake, I'm awake already!" Holding her pounding head she looked up into the anxious face of Walter and the grinning face of Alucard.

"Good evening!" said Walter, relieved. "I wasn't sure you were going to wake up!"

Seras moaned. "My head really hurts."

"Well, you were caught up in that blast. You've been asleep for several hours. We couldn't revive you." Walter wiped his brow. "But since you're awake, I have something to tell you. A message from Sir Integra. The computer you ordered on eBay has arrived."

"Yay!" Seras squealed excitedly. Walter and Alucard winced.

"We had it delivered to your room." Walter bowed and left. Alucard rose through the ceiling.

Seras got up and walked across the room to her new computer. Looking through the manuals, she decided it was easy enough to set up and set about doing so.

Several hours later, she had actually finished. Quite pleased with herself, she double-clicked on the internet icon and logged in. Hi-Speed seemed to work well on the system, so she stuck with it.

Looking around for places of interest, she had a small bubble pop up on her screen: it was an invitation to a chat room. Puzzled, she clicked "OK" and was whisked away to another screen. It was black with red, bold lettering. At the top it said:

WELCOME TO THE CRYPT OF DEATH -- A HELLSING CHATROOM

"Crypt of Death…Hellsing…chat room?" she was puzzled. She scrolled upwards and looked at the history of people.

Joecool! Says: hey, who's the new one?

Yellowrosesbackstabber says: just someone I pulled off and told to come in. newbies are always fun.

Ripperjack says: hey, yeah

Joecool! Says: so what's your name, new guy/girl?

Seras wasn't sure what to do. Then she saw the 'enter' block at the bottom, and decided to join the chat.

Policegirl says: I'm Victoria.

Yellowrosesbackstabber says: hey cool, just like our favourite vampire from Hellsing!

Joecool! Says: yah our fave vampire is defiantly Seras.

Ripperjack says: no way its not

Yellowrosesbackstabber says: then who?

Ripperjack says: RIP VAN WINKLE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Joecool! Says: ur sick, man.

"They know about Hellsing? Alucard…me? What is going on here?"

Policegirl says: so how did you find out about Hellsing?

Joecool! Says: OMG, what do you mean?

Policegirl says: I mean, where did you first hear the word?

Yellowrosesbackstabber says: we've been fans of the show for years, ever since it came out

Ripperjack says: and now that its out in book form we're all grabbing for copies!

Joecool! Says: long live Hellsing!

Show? Book form? What were they talking about? Seras didn't know, but she wasn't about to ask for fear of being really put-down. So she played along.

Policegirl says: so what's ur fave episode?

Joecool! Says: md ep #1 -- u go, girl! Go Seras!

The ex-police girl allowed herself a small smile.

Policegirl says: that's nice

Yellowrosesbackstabber says: whos your fave character, Policegirl?

Seras thought.

Policegirl says: isn't it obvious? But I really like…Pip too!

Joecool! Says: you a shipper?

Policegirl says: what?

Ripperjack says: whats ur fave pairing?

Policegirl says: Oh! Maxwell X Integra.

Yellowrosesbackstabber says: yeah, that's cute considering they hate each other's guts

Ripperjack says: u know what other pairings sick like that?

Joecool! Says: do we really have to hear it?

Ripperjack says: ALUCARD X ANDERSON! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Policegirl says: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!! Ur really sick!

Yellowrosesbackstabber says: you no like yaoi?

Policegirl says: normally yeah but that's just wrong. GTG.

She logged off, feeling slightly strange.

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Next chapter: The Laughing Nazis of Millennium!


	13. Interlude 2: Doc bakes a pie!

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AN: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing_. Characters OOC. This is another Side Story to the actual plotline. Doc bakes a pie. Enjoy._

Major Montana Max, the leader of the Millennium Nazis, grumbled to himself as he picked up his last piece of pie. He didn't like running out of pie.

"DOC!" he screamed aloud. "_DOOOOOOOOOOOC_!"

Doc came running into the room, huffing for breath. He was wearing his trademark blood-splattered lab coat with _(…shudder…) _bare midriff _(…that's just wrong…) _and magnifying glasses.

"Ja, Mein Herr?" he gasped for breath, struggling to stand upright.

"Doc! I am running out of pie! Zis must be corrected! Go to ze kitchens and bring me more!"

"But Mein Herr!" he said, nervously. "It is nearly midnight! Ze cook is vast asleep! Zer ist no von to cook!"

"Zen you vill go to ze kitchens und cook it für mich!" said the Major. "Go to it, Doc!"

Doc looked worried, but obeyed. "Yes, Mein Herr."

Alone in the dimly lit kitchens, Doc peered into the cupboards. He pulled out an old file folder with the words "recipes" on it. Looking down, he trailed the papers until he found the "Pie" heading. Pulling out the recipes, he decided to make the easiest looking one.

Which was still going to be fairly complicated.

"Vell, it's just chemistry, right? I mean, I'm a scientist! I'm supposed to be gut at putting zings togezer, right?" Still trying to convince himself, he held the recipe up to the light.

"Ok, I know vat all zees zings are, now just vere are zey?" he asked himself. Putting down the paper, he walked over to the fridge. Opening the door, he was greeted with a cheerful yellow light and a plethora of weird-looking dishes with odd labels. Puzzled, he took out some and looked inside. The ingredients looked fairly normal: sugar, flour, blueberries, etc. So he pulled them out and sat them on the counter. Peering at the recipe, he got out a large bowl and some pans, and proceeded to dump the ingredients into the big bowl.

Shooing away some loose crumbs, he didn't notice the little black bottle which was knocked over and poured into the mix as well.

After a few more unceremonious plops, he finally had everything in bowls. Digging through another drawer, he came across the electric blender.

__

…

Yup.

That's not a good thing.

…

Grinning wickedly (_which he does so well_), he plugged it into the wall outlet, shoved it into the mixture, and flipped it onto the highest setting.

__

…

O.O _Run…_

…

There was a large explosion of flour, sugar, and various other ingredients. Yet Doc carried on mixing wildly, unconcerned at the fact that by now half the intended ingredients were either a) on the floor, b) on the walls or c) on him. He hummed a little tune as he whipped the mixture into a liquid goo.

Finally satisfied that it was ready, he lined the pan with the crust dough and dumped in the fruit part. Placing a top on the pie, he shoved it into the oven.

Standing up, he glanced towards the back of the stove to see where the dials were. There were half a dozen little knobs poking out at him.

Frowning, he turned the first one.

"OOOOOOOW!"

It had turned on the element directly under his hand. He switched it off quickly. Moving over to the next one, he turned that too.

This one turned on the oven. He could tell because the grille in the oven began to turn slightly red. He checked the recipe, set the temperature at the proper degrees, and left a timer going.

Wandering into the other areas of the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator again. In the freezer were several types of ice cream.

Ice cream! He loved ice cream! Taking out one of the vanilla tubs, he saw on the lid: _Dieses Eis behaltet Montana Max. Es ist verboten zu anderere!_

This merited a look in both directions before Doc ripped off the lid and sank a large spoon into the fresh ice cream.

Yum!

The pie was ready.

Taking it out of the oven, Doc felt rather pleased with himself. He'd actually made a pie! He'd baked something!

Parading his wonderful (and quite warm) creation up the stairs, he presented the entire thing to the Major.

The aforementioned, rather rotund man looked warily at the pie.

"Und you say you made it yourself?"

"Ja!" Doc lifted himself proudly. The major raised an eyebrow.

"You can go now."

"Danke schö n, Mein Herr!" Doc said happily as he left.

The Major dug suspiciously into the pie. He held up a large piece. It looked all right. He took a bite.

"ARRRRRRRGGGGGG!"

Doc hadn't noticed the little black bottle of hot chilli pepper sauce.

"_DOOOOOOOOOOC_!"

__

In case anyone is wondering, the label on the ice cream tub says: "This ice cream belongs to Montana Max. Others are forbidden (to eat it)!"

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Review: Who should be in my next few chapters? I'm going to have a lot of spare time next week…if I get enough ideas I'll make it to 20 chapters! Help me out here! Ideas to: yellowrosesbackstabberyahoo.ca


	14. The Talking Dolls!

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A/N: I own no part of Hellsing or any characters therein. Talking dolls were my favourite toys as a child. I don't mind Seras X Walter if you're wondering. Characters OOC. Enjoy.

-----

It was early in the evening in England, and at the Hellsing headquarters all was quiet.

Except for the sound of a long, slow sigh by one very bored Seras Victoria. Skimming the web sites for Hellsing Fan Fiction, she came across the usual suspects. For some reason, people loved pairing her up with Walter. While she trusted and respected Walter, she didn't think she would ever…well, do those kind of things. Shrugging, she flipped to another page.

A small web ad popped up on her screen. Ready to do away with it, she paused when she read:

ATTENTION ALL HELLSING FANS!

PIONEER ENTERTAINMENT AND TOYCOM COME TOGETHER TO BRING YOU THE NEW HELLSING LINE OF TALKING MODELS!

USING VOICECHIP TECHNOLOGY AND STATE OF THE ART MODELLING TECHNIQUES, YOU TOO CAN TALK AND LISTEN TO ALL YOUR FAVOURITE CHARACTERS!

WAVE ONE CONTAINS: ALUCARD, SIR HELLSING, SERAS VICTORIA, AND WALTER C. DORNEZ!

ORDER THE SET OR INDIVIDUALS TODAY FROM THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF PIONEER ENTERTAINMENT!

(BACKDROP SETS SOLD SEPARATELY)

Seras blinked, silently. Her jaw dropped.

Then, in a blur of typing, she scrambled over to the website.

-----

(1-2 business days later…air mail!)

"They're here! They're HERE!" squealed Seras excitedly as she ripped open the large package she had received in the mail that day.

"What's here?" said Alucard, sinking through the ceiling.

"Look!" said Seras, whipping out the Alucard doll and plunking it into the real vampire's hands.

"What is it?" said Alucard, turning the figure upside down.

"It's you!" giggled the red-haired police girl. Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"Here!" Seras took it back and placed it onto the model kit she had also bought. Pressing one of the buttons, the figure moved smoothly and uttered the phrase, "What is your bidding, my Master?"

Alucard's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "It talks!" he said, in a strangely high-pitched voice. "And it sounds like me!"

Seras couldn't help it. She laughed and laughed, rolling on the floor in tears. Alucard rooted through the big box.

"There's one here of you…and Master Integra…and Walter…" his voice trailed off. He frowned. "Where did you get these?"

Seras chuckled, wiping away tears of mirth. "I ordered them through the mail. What d'you think, Master?"

"I think you're bloody insane." came a voice hiding its own laughter. Sir Integra walked into the room, chewing on her customary cigar. Seras sniffed back her laughter and offered her the doll of herself.

Integra looked at the mini-Integra and smirked. "Well, they certainly did render me in a very interesting way." she said, with a tone in her voice that sounded suspiciously like pride.

Alucard glumly showed her his own doll. "Mine is smaller than yours."

Integra blinked. Indeed, the Alucard doll seemed to be shorter. Picking up the other dolls, she saw they were correct in proportion except for the Alucard doll, which was shorter than even the Seras doll.

At this, they all burst into laughter, except Alucard, who growled. Integra placed the dolls of herself and Alucard onto the set and pressed the buttons. Her doll and the Alucard doll swivelled around to face each other and began a little conversation.

Integra doll: "There's no room in the Hellsing family for a vampire that gets pummelled by a Regenerator, Alucard."

Alucard doll: "Humph."

At this, both Seras and Integra collapsed onto their respective chairs, howling with laughter and clutching their sides.

At this point, the three were joined by Walter.

"What's going on in here?" he asked, confused at all the laughter and tears. Alucard looked very ticked off.

He thrust the dolls into the aging butler's hands. Walter blinked, then smiled.

"Well, now." he said quietly. "That's certainly a sight."

Alucard winced.

"They talk, too!" said Seras, quickly recovering from her laughing fit, taking the dolls and putting them all in the proper places. Integra pushed the button and sat back.

The Walter doll began the conversation first.

Walter doll: "Come, come now. There's no reason to get upset over it."

Integra doll: "Alucard stole my cigars."

Seras doll: "Master? Why did you steal director Integra's cigars?"

Alucard doll: "Cigars can cause you danger, Master."  
Integra doll: "I think I've got a lot more to worry about than cigars, Alucard."

Alucard doll: "Like what?"

Integra doll: "That doesn't even require a response, moron."

At this, Integra and Seras all burst into fully renewed laughter, especially when noting the sour expression on Alucard's face. Integra simply couldn't contain herself, and was laughing so hard tears ran down her cheeks. Seras was nearly rolling on the floor, and poor Walter was trying so hard not to break down himself. As it was, he was biting his fist to keep from guffawing into Alucard's face.

Growling, Alucard sank through the floor, but not before the Integra doll got in one last line:

Integra doll: "I'm surrounded by idiots."

-----

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Next chapter: " 'This is why we don't go to parties,' explained Sir Integra to the horrified onlookers." It's Sir Integra's 24th birthday! Read if you dare!


	15. Final Chapter: Integra's Birthday Party!

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A/N: It's Sir Integra's 24th birthday! I own no part of Hellsing or any (regular) characters therein. Characters OOC. I think this'll be the last chapter. Thanks to all, it's been fun. Enjoy.

-----

An extremely bored fledgling vampire sat playing with her talking dolls in her room, giggling the whole time. Set two (Iscariot dolls: Maxwell, Andersong, Yumiko/Yumie and Heinkel) were coming out in a few months, but she had already pre-ordered them. She had also ordered the special Pip doll and couldn't wait to show it to the real one.

But dolls are only so entertaining. Seras' mind began to wander. Looking at a calendar on the wall, she noticed some little red markings on one of the days in the next week. Putting down her toys, she stretched her legs and walked over to it.

Next Wednesday was Sir Integra's _BIRTHDAY._

Seras squeaked in surprise and almost tripped over the dolls. She scrambled to her feet.

"Oh, nooooooo!" she moaned. "I didn't know…oh, whatever am I going to do?"

-----

Meanwhile, Sir Integra was in her office, muttering to herself about how she was going to avoid having another disastrous birthday party this year.

First of all, she was not going to tell that young Seras…

…who just happened to burst through the door at that moment.

"Director Hellsing! Sir Integra!" she said breathlessly. "I didn't know your birthday was next week! We've got so much to do…why haven't we started already?…" she was about to go on when Integra stood up.

"NO!" she said sternly. "I am NOT going to have a birthday party this year!"

"Why not?" Seras asked, confused. "Don't you like parties?"

"I hate them!" declared Integra. "All those people…parties have never gone well for me. I don't like them at all!"

Seras wilted. "Puh-leeeze? I wanna make up a party for you…you deserve a break once in a while, don't you? It'll be fine, it'll be fun!"

Sir Integra massaged her forehead. Seras wasn't going to stop until she did her party. "Oh, fine then. You may plan a party. But it's not going to be huge, got it? Small party!…" but it was in vain. Seras had left the room at, "Oh, fine then." and didn't hear anything else.

Sir Integra sighed again and plopped herself down in her chair. This was going to be one huge headache…

-----

Planning was running fairly smoothly. Seras decided not to make it a huge affair (Sir Integra found her afterwards and told her) and just to keep it within the confines of the Hellsing manor and its people. That would also make it a whole lot easier. No invitations to hand out. No RVSPs which never were responded to (which always made Seras so mad!) and everyone would be there!

She just had to convince Alucard not to do something stupid…_party games_.

There would be _no _party games. _None_. Because Alucard _would _do something stupid.

-----

Finally, the evening of the party arrived! As soon as the sun set, everyone came up to the largest room in the headquarters and got everything ready. Seras checked the food, Walter adjusted some of the candles, and Alucard…well, Alucard was Alucard. He wandered around, pestering the Wild Geese and trying to irritate Seras before Sir Integra arrived.

"Police Girl!"

"Yes, Master?" she sighed as she uncovered the salad dishes. "What is it?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting the food ready." she said, not looking up.

"I see there are no other forms of entertainment."

At this, she looked him warily in the eye. "I trust you mean there are no…games."

"Correct." she didn't like the look in his eye.

"I don't want you to do anything that might endanger any of our lives, Master." she said slowly. He chuckled, patting her on the head.

"Oh, don't worry, Police Girl, everything will be all right."

He swept away to bother someone else. Seras shook her head. "I certainly hope so."

-----

The expression on Sir Integra's face when she saw the party was not one of exuberance, but there was a slight smile to her eyes. Everyone clapped when she walked into the room. Seras greeted her and they all sat down to dinner.

While Alucard looked disdainfully at the food, Seras actually took some for herself, though she didn't eat it. She merely drank the blood out of her wine goblet.

There was roast beef, salads, pork, and various types of bread. Different wines and spritzers, many types of beer for the mercenaries. Sir Integra sat at the head of the table, with Alucard to her right, and Walter to her left. Seras sat to the right of Alucard, and to her right sat Pip. The Wild Geese made up the rest of the congregation.

Seras stood up to make a toast.

"To Director Integral, a fine woman and the best leader of Hellsing I have ever known."

"To Director Integral!" chimed the chorus and drank.

"Thank you." said Integra, standing up. "I do appreciate all the hard work you've put into this, Miss Victoria."

Seras preened.

"And I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for attending tonight."

Everyone clapped, and she sat down.

When they all started eating was when the conversations began to break out.

A few of the Wild Geese were arguing over something, but Seras couldn't hear what they were talking about. She was too busy listening to Alucard brag to Integra about the surprise he'd arranged for later on.

"Surprise?" Integra asked, glancing over at Seras. Seras' eyes widened, and she shook her head, denying all knowledge of any 'surprise' which Alucard had planned. Sir Integra actually looked slightly worried, but regained her composure and had a drink.

Pip nudged Seras and she looked over at him.

"What?" she asked tersely.

"I really like the dinner." he said, jovially. "Who catered?"

"Actually, it was --"

"And you've really outdone yourself with the decorating."

Seras blushed. She'd put candles all over the room, making the place look like it was filled with tiny stars. The curtains were pulled back, making the tall windows gleam, and show the moon and stars. The tablecloth was navy blue and dishes of silver and glass graced the tabletop.

"Uh, thank --"

"But y'know," he said, sloppily, "I didn't think you could do something like this. It's pretty good, for a vampire."

She looked at him more closely, then at his wine glass. She rolled her eyes. He had had a little too much already. Taking the wine glass from his hand, she placed it over where he couldn't reach it.

"Hey!" he whined. "No fair!"

"Not again." she said, "You've had far too much."

He pouted, then turned to talk with the person on his other side. Seras sighed again and looked at Alucard. He had stopped talking and a wicked grin was dawning on his face.

And she didn't like that look.

"Excuse me." Alucard left the table. He slid through the wall, much to the surprise and shock of the few drunken Wild Geese, who looked up before returning to their loud conversations.

Seras looked at Sir Integra. She looked back, equally unsure. They both looked at the wall again.

"Excuse me," said Seras, as she stood up. Recruiting some less drunk mercenaries, she cleared the table and went to the kitchen to get the cakes and desserts.

The grand cake sat on a table in the middle of the kitchen. It was about three feet tall, and decorated so elegantly that Seras held her breath as they picked it up and carried it into the main room.

When they arrived, everyone stood. They placed the cake in front of Sir Integra as she smiled.

Everyone began to sing "Happy Birthday", but at the last line, Alucard leapt out of the cake à la Marilyn Monroe -- which meant nothing but a sash on him -- and sang the last line alone; and as everyone stared in horror, he laughed and jumped through the closest wall. Integra covered her face with one hand and sighed in disgust, though Seras could see a barely concealed grin on her face.

"This is why we don't go to parties," explained Sir Integra to the horrified onlookers.

"Dismissed."

They all ran out except for Seras, Walter and Integra.

-----

"I'm so sorry!" said Seras for the ten millionth time.

"It doesn't matter. It wasn't your fault." sighed Integra, also for the ten millionth time.

"But…I just…"

"Seras Victoria!" commanded Sir Integra. "That will be quite enough. Go back to your room. And go to bed."

"Yes, Sir." she left.

-----

Alone in her room, Seras thought about all the things that had happened during the course of her stay at Hellsing. She smiled a little, remembering all the times she had been bored and had found a way to counter it.

She was very tired, so she began to get ready for sleep. Lying down in her coffin bed for her rest during the day, she smiled again.

She wasn't bored any more. Finally.

It was dawn.

****

The End.

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__

Well, that's the end of that story, folks. I'm done with this one, let it go out in peace and please do not bother me for sequels. I am currently working on a story which is Iscariot-central, and that will be up in instalments beginning in mid to late July.

Thanks to everyone who read my story, and anyone who left a review is deserving of the highest praise for putting up with my inconsistent titles and instalment dates. I can be reached for any further comments at yellowrosesbackstabberyahoo.ca. I love you all, good night!

Jay-Trusedale.


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